Family situation - need advice

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Rex B
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Family situation - need advice

#1

Post by Rex B »

Mom is 89, in pretty good shape, lives in the Mid-Cities in the same house since 1969. My sister lives with her. Sister hasn't held a job in years, and has always lived with, and been supported by Mom. Sis and I aren't on speaking terms.
Sis smokes, but not in the house, so she has a "living area" set up in the garage. She often has friends join her there, often late into the night. Most of these people are sketchy, and we do know they use drugs - pot and meth for sure. None of them have jobs, apparently. These are people you would not pick up if they were hitchhiking on a deserted highway.
I fear for my Mom's safety, obviously, so I need to resolve this situation in the next few days. I can run these people off, with Mom's support, but I can't be there all the time. Mom isn't strong enough to do it herself. I hesitate to get police involved, because I don't want repercussions on Mom. I keep thinking about that mother in Seattle that lost her home when police found pot in her son's dresser.
I am pretty angry about this, as you can imagine. I just want to think this through before I jump in. Is this the sort of situation where one can get some sort of court order barring certain individuals? Can I ask the local PD to check on it periodically without filing a complaint?

Any suggestions welcome.
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ShootDontTalk
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#2

Post by ShootDontTalk »

I have a few ideas, but I suggest you make discreet inquiries with local law enforcement. I wouldn't tell your sister anything whatsoever.

This is going to be a difficult situation to resolve. You realize that ultimately your sister needs to be away from your mother? That could be dangerous for your mom.

If it were me, I would take my mom to a safe house first. She might not handle it well, but the risk to her would be too great if you leave her in her home after getting rid of the undesirables.

This is just my thoughts. I'm not suggesting you do anything. That would be grossly irresponsible on my part.

I'm sure many here will be praying for a positive resolution for all involved.
Last edited by ShootDontTalk on Fri Jun 12, 2015 11:30 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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jmra
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#3

Post by jmra »

If it were my mom I'd move her into my house and sell hers.
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Rex B
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#4

Post by Rex B »

Mom would not go along with any plan that would leave Sis homeless
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jmra
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#5

Post by jmra »

Rex B wrote:Mom would not go along with any plan that would leave Sis homeless
That doesn't leave many options. Could move Mom out and let Sis stay. At least then Mom would be safe.
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The Wall
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#6

Post by The Wall »

If sister is in jail she won't be homeless. Sound heartless you say! Well, your sister is being heartless by putting your mother in danger. I think if it were me I would take mom out for weekend when I know the sister and friends are going to be there doing drugs and make an anonymous phone call to police or Crime Stoppers. You could tell your sister you heard that the police were watching the house. Come up with a story of how you know this. Her friends aren't going to want to be there if they think it's being watched. Might be a wake up call for your sister if she gets busted.

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Rex B
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#7

Post by Rex B »

I agree, Jail might wake her up. Or not.

I had considered asking a local cop to drive by often enough that it would look like surveillance.

Interesting suggestion. I'll consider that, thanks
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jmra
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#8

Post by jmra »

Rex B wrote:I agree, Jail might wake her up. Or not.

I had considered asking a local cop to drive by often enough that it would look like surveillance.

Interesting suggestion. I'll consider that, thanks
Would your mother let her stay in jail? If Mom is going to run to the rescue it's not going to do much good - may just result in Mom spending money on bail and legal fees.
Could take Sis on a vacation to Mexico. :mrgreen:
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C-dub
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#9

Post by C-dub »

Tough choices to be sure and I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. There are some things that are obvious to someone that is not involved personally that aren't always to someone that is.

1. You can't always please everyone.
2. You can't always save everyone.
3. Sometimes you have to chose.

It seems clear that your sister does not respect your mom and IMHO does not deserve respect from her or you. However, if your mom will make it difficult to remedy the situation by bailing her out or refusing to go along with certain things it sounds like Mom has also made up her mind. If that's the way it's going to be, then if/when your sister is arrested or your mom loses the house, she can come live with you or you can find her another place without the sister.

Parents ... sometimes they just make you wanna :banghead:

I feel for you and hope your mom will be okay.
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Rex B
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#10

Post by Rex B »

C-Dub, you are reading the situation very accurately.
I appreciate your comments.
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LDB415
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#11

Post by LDB415 »

I'm mean so I'm probably not a good resource. From the information given I'd get mom somewhere safe and get sis out of the picture any way possible short of a long walk on a short pier. If sis would up in jail I'd consider it her fault and her doing not mine. At 89/90 I might try to get guardianship of mom to be sure she couldn't throw away all her money on bail, etc. for sis.

The only thing I can say for certain is good luck to you in a troubling situation.
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Rex B
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#12

Post by Rex B »

LDB, I am pretty much in agreement with all that. Sis has been dead weight in our family for a long time. Were it not for her, I would have moved mom in with us, or into an assisted-living facility. I don't much care where Sis ends up, but I seriously doubt that Mom would abandon her. And I'm sure not going to have Sis anywhere around my home.

Thank you for your comments.
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“Sometimes there is no alternative to uncertainty except to await the arrival of more and better data.” C. Wunsch

srothstein
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#13

Post by srothstein »

Instead of the local police, I would recommend calling the state agency that is in charge of protecting the elderly. The Department of Aging and Disability Services might be able to step in and talk with your Mom and sister and avoid police problems. Like CPS does with parents, they can come up with a plan and contract that your sister would have to sign and agree to on how to care for you mom and her property. This may be one way to address the problem somewhat anonymously.

Another solution would be to slightly modify the answer already proposed. If your mom is agreeable, and you have room and are agreeable, move your mom in with you. Sell her house and explain that you will put the money in a trust to pay rent (or rehab if necessary) for your sister until she is able to survive without it. Or just let your sister live in the house without selling it. This gets your mom to a safer place and keeps your sister from being homeless.

I think a big part of the problem might be getting your mom to agree. She sounds like she might be enabling your sister's behavior, probably by denying that she needs more help and the current solution is not working. I think DADS might be able to talk to her about that part of the problem also, they ahve some very good counselors that are used to dealing with the elderly who worry about their kids and don't think of them as responsible adults yet.
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Rex B
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#14

Post by Rex B »

Steve, I was not aware of DADS. Looks like a good resource, thank you.

2nd solution would work, but we really don't have room for her. Sure wish we did, as my wife would be agreeable to that. The house is due to go to Sis after Mom passes anyway. I'm all for giving it to her now and letting her live her life there with her buds. But I know she doesn't have the income to maintain it nor pay the utilities and taxes, even if she were able to rent rooms to her (homeless?) friends. I think she will be getting ~$500 in disability starting in August. She is healthy enough to work, she just hasn't been required to (by Mom).

I will talk to Mom tomorrow. I think my wife can and will talk to Sis. Depending on how that goes, I'll probably contact DADS Monday. They have a Tarrant county office.

Thanks so much for the input!
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nightmare69
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Re: Family situation - need advice

#15

Post by nightmare69 »

I knew a person like this until the mother passed away and the gravy train came to a halt and they were forced to move due to not paying the note. Karma always wins in the end. Give it time and do what is best for your mom.
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