Texan Jokes to pass the time here at home

[Vol Texan]

Whether poking a little fun at ourselves or (even better) makin' fun of folks who live the the other 49 'foreign' states, Texan jokes are always better.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years. Days later, the New York Times reported the following
"Our New York ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read
"California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
'
One week later, The Houston Chronicle reported the following
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Alvin, Brazoria County, Texas, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist and graduate of Texas A&M, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless. "

[RottenApple]

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of tequila, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair. The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!!

The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair. The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine!

The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."

[puma guy]

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of tequila, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair. The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!!

The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair. The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine!

The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."

I'm sorry, but I'm still laughing!

[iratollah]

George W Bush was attending his first Passover Seder.
When the matzah ball soup was served he first gave it a cautious taste, then began eating it joyfully and enthusiastically.

"This is wonderful, absolutely delicious!," he declared.
"I can't believe I've never eaten matzah balls before, I love 'em!"
"Tell me," he asked, "Do y'all eat any other parts of the matzah?"

[Pilgrim]

A thirstyTexas man who was blind walked into a bar to get a drink of water. He asked the person serving him if they wanted to hear a blonde joke. The server said mister before you tell a blonde joke there is something you need to know. This is a motorcycle gang bar and I am the toughest female bartender you are going to find and I am blonde. The woman sitting next to you is the badest motorcycle momma and she is blonde. The woman sitting on the other side of you is a champion MMA fighter and she is blonde. Now are you sure you want to tell that blonde joke?
He hung his head and said "No.
Y'all wouldn't get it."

[Mel]

No Texan joke column would be complete without "Aggie Jokes". And, Yes, I'm an Aggie!
Two Aggies went to Dallas to see the Adult movies they had been hearing about. When they got there, there was a big sign that said, "Under 18 not admitted." So they had to return home to get 16 friends.

[oohrah]

A thirstyTexas man who was blind walked into a bar to get a drink of water. He asked the person serving him if they wanted to hear a blonde joke. The server said mister before you tell a blonde joke there is something you need to know. This is a motorcycle gang bar and I am the toughest female bartender you are going to find and I am blonde. The woman sitting next to you is the badest motorcycle momma and she is blonde. The woman sitting on the other side of you is a champion MMA fighter and she is blonde. Now are you sure you want to tell that blonde joke?
He hung his head and said "No.
Y'all wouldn't get it."

I thought the punchline was "Well, not if I have to tell it three times!"

[mloamiller]

Not necessarily a joke, but something any Texan can say to anyone from any other state:
"Before your state was a state, it was just land. Before my state was a state, it was a country!"

[puma guy]

A thirstyTexas man who was blind walked into a bar to get a drink of water. He asked the person serving him if they wanted to hear a blonde joke. The server said mister before you tell a blonde joke there is something you need to know. This is a motorcycle gang bar and I am the toughest female bartender you are going to find and I am blonde. The woman sitting next to you is the badest motorcycle momma and she is blonde. The woman sitting on the other side of you is a champion MMA fighter and she is blonde. Now are you sure you want to tell that blonde joke?
He hung his head and said "No.
Y'all wouldn't get it."

I thought the punchline was "Well, not if I have to tell it three times!"

I heard it was "No, I don't want to explain it three times!".

[puma guy]

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Vol Texan]

Not necessarily a joke, but something any Texan can say to anyone from any other state:
"Before your state was a state, it was just land. Before my state was a state, it was a country!"

Being raised in God's country (the Applalachian mountains of East Tennessee), my few years that I lived in Austin gave me lots of fodder. Those of y'all who've met me know I'm rarely without a University of Tennessee hat.

Wearing that hat around the Austin area always led to some interesting debates that started with, "No, this is the REAL UT", and oftentimes drifted toward, "Yeah, we were a school before you were a state." The conversation usually went into a flat spin right around there, and I'd be free to go on my merry way.

Yeah, I love Texas, but I still bleed Tennessee orange.

[puma guy]

Not necessarily a joke, but something any Texan can say to anyone from any other state:
"Before your state was a state, it was just land. Before my state was a state, it was a country!"

Being raised in God's country (the Applalachian mountains of East Tennessee), my few years that I lived in Austin gave me lots of fodder. Those of y'all who've met me know I'm rarely without a University of Tennessee hat.

Wearing that hat around the Austin area always led to some interesting debates that started with, "No, this is the REAL UT", and oftentimes drifted toward, "Yeah, we were a school before you were a state." The conversation usually went into a flat spin right around there, and I'd be free to go on my merry way.

Yeah, I love Texas, but I still bleed Tennessee orange.

If you come to Texas and stay you're a Texan. Lots of Tennessee volunteers were at the Alamo! In fact there were just a handful of "native Texans" there BTW.

[srothstein]

Not necessarily a joke, but something any Texan can say to anyone from any other state:
"Before your state was a state, it was just land. Before my state was a state, it was a country!"

Hawaii gets to say the same thing, and claim to have the only royal family in the US.

[E10]

Hawaii gets to say the same thing, and claim to have the only royal family in the US.

So that’s why they act like a dictatorship when it comes to gun laws!

[Iunnrais]

Shamelessly stolen from facebook:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole the tent'