OFF TOPIC; Question for parents

[txinvestigator]

Mods please delete if you don't feel this is appropriate. This is the finest group of people I could think of to talk to about though.

My daughter is 11 years old. She is a great kid, straight A's, solid in her Christian beliefs, responsible and just a good kid. I trust her.

She has a friend who lives in the next subdivision, but only about 2 blocks as the crow flies. This girl seems to have less than ideal parental supervision, she is always required to "watch" her younger brothers. She is in a step-dad situation. This girl is polite enough, but has always seemed odd to me and makes me want to keep an eye on her when she is around. Little things like not making eye contact with my wife and eye, not really speaking when she comes in, etc. All of my daughter's other friends do.

There are other things too, lets just say my "spidey sense" really tingles around this kid.

There is a city park/playground between neighborhoods. We let our daughter go to the park with other kids, as we can see it from our house. She has limitations and boundaries, and has proven trustworthy. Yesterday my wife saw my daughter and this girl at the park, and the girl had a puppy with her. My wife walked over to see the puppy, and this girl mentioned that she was having a birthday party today, and said my daughter was invited. It was at 4 o'clock.

We thought it odd, as it was last minute, no written invitation with the times, activities, etc. We have done and been to many b-day parties and that is the norm to indicate what the hours are, locations and activities.

My wife called over there last night to verify, but no one returned her call. She called twice more today and no one called us back. We bought a gift anyway, and at 4 I drove my daughter over there. Her uncle was there, but said that the mom and girl had gone to the store. He did say that he thought there was gonna be a party, and he would have my daughter call when it was going to be over, as he didn't know. I was not going to leave her there, but the mom and girl drove up. I told my daughter to call me when she knew the details, and I went home.

A full hour and a half later I saw my daughter, the girl and 3 other girls walking thru the park and towards the neighborhood. We don't normally allow our daughter to wander around the neighborhood where we can't see her, and certainly where we don't know where she is.

I walked out and was able to catch up on foot. I told my daughter she was done and made her come home. She said they had been "hanging" out, and the kids decided to go walking. They had not had present opening, cake or any other semblance of a party, but the parents decided to allow the kids to take off unsupervised. 3 of the kids came from much further neighborhoods.

My daughter was in trouble for not being where she was supposed to be, or calling to advise/ask us if she could leave there. (she has a cell phone we allow to to carry on these occasions) Not a lot of trouble, but that's the main reason I made her come home then.

The entire situation just strikes me as ODD to the extreme. I don't think I will be letting her go there anymore without her mom or I with her.

Am I just being strange about this, or is this really weird.

For the record, she has other friends whose home she goes to. The parents would NEVER allow the kids to leave the house with our knowledge. When her friends come here, we always make sure their parents are OK with them going to the park, or they don't go. There is a high level of supervision, responsibility and communication that was void in this situation?

What say you parents?

[Geister]

This girl is polite enough, but has always seemed odd to me and makes me want to keep an eye on her when she is around. Little things like not making eye contact with my wife and eye, not really speaking when she comes in, etc. All of my daughter's other friends do.

I don't see how this could be directly related to a behavioral problem.

I do think the situation is odd and it would probably be a good idea to limit your daughter's unsupervised contact with the kid. But I don't see any real indication that the kid is misbehaved in any way.

[txinvestigator]

This girl is polite enough, but has always seemed odd to me and makes me want to keep an eye on her when she is around. Little things like not making eye contact with my wife and eye, not really speaking when she comes in, etc. All of my daughter's other friends do.

I don't see how this could be directly related to a behavioral problem.

I do think the situation is odd and it would probably be a good idea to limit your daughter's unsupervised contact with the kid. But I don't see any real indication that the kid is misbehaved in any way.

Yeah, not misbehaved, just a sense I get. She also is allowed to watch r movies, and with unsupervised time I believe she is proceeding at an "advanced" maturation rate. I believe she is exposed to things that the rest of her peer group is not.

I appreciate your comments

[AV8R]

Follow your instincts.

[txinvestigator]

Follow your instincts.

succinct. I get it.

[flintknapper]

TXI,

I think your "Parent Radar" is spot on.

My experience is that "Girls" aged 11-13 "think" they are much more mature than boys of the same age, and you will begin to see some signs of independence and "testing" from them earlier than with boys.

Girls or Boys of that age are very impressionable, and their choice of friends can not be left solely up to them. We forbade our daughter to "hang" with a certain friend from school when she was about 14. Yeah, we got all the questions and grief that go along with that decision, but it was the best thing for her.

Sounds like you are on the right track to me.

Parenting is a tough job, and being a "responsible" parent even tougher. I wish every child came with a set of instructions, but they don't.

Do what you think is best....and be firm (in a loving way). She will Thank You for it later.

Never try to be her best friend, many parents make that mistake. You are her DAD, and you are responsible for both her well being and best interests.

I have complete faith in you.

P.S. you might want to tap into the wisdom of some of the ladies here for their perspective on raising daughters. I have raised one (our only child), but... I know it differs from boys, and females seem to have a deeper and more intuitive sense of things when it comes to raising children.

My take on it (FWIW) is, "You're doing just fine"!

[txinvestigator]

Thanks Flint. One of my favorite sayings is that its not my job to be her friend, but to parent her, If that includes being her friend, its a bonus.

She was upset that she didn't get to go back, but she actually said she understood why and that she thought we were reasonable in our decision. I told her I was glad she thought so.

In reality, it does not matter if SHE thinks its reasonable or not. But knowing that she is developing to get it sure helps.

She really is a good kid. She ALWAYS is honest, even when she knows she will be in trouble for something she has done. She accepts consequences without trying to displace blame too.

[seamusTX]

Follow your instincts.

Ditto.

The cost of limiting your daughter's contact with the other girl is zero. She will have hundreds of transient friendships throughout her school years.

The risk of her getting involved in a dicey situation is grave.

- Jim

[jimlongley]

I am pretty thankful that my kids have kids that age, and older, now, and they have to deal with that stuff.

I would spend a little time researching that kid and her family.

My kids were allowed to make the basement of our upstate NY house into a teen hangout, and we kind of worried about the parents that let their kids hang out at our house without ever knowing us.

My older daughter had a friend who I had to break out of a couple of clinches in that basement hangout. Most of the time the kids were pretty much self policing, with our overview of course, and the guns were ALWAYS out of sight/reach. A bunch of years later, after putting both daughters and my wife through college I decided to go myself, you'll never guess who my FORTRAN instructor was. I found it very hard to take her seriously having witnessed what I had.

A couple of the kids we dealt with on a daily basis, we were only a block from the high school, were very like the one you describe. On of them was a change of life baby for a woman whose husband left her some time later and she worked very hard to feed and clothe him, and put him through a parochial school. The problem was that she left before he did in the morning and got home after he did at night, resulting in his being unsupervised for large portions of the day.

Without getting into too much, we were able to help out, he even lived with us for a while, and I feel as though we turned the kid around. He went from sullen and no eye contact, to at least passably cheerful and look you right in the eye.

Kids will always test their limits and usually if you keep the lines of communication things will pretty much go smoothly if not exactly the way you want.

[txinvestigator]

Follow your instincts.

Ditto.

The cost of limiting your daughter's contact with the other girl is zero. She will have hundreds of transient friendships throughout her school years.

The risk of her getting involved in a dicey situation is grave.

- Jim

Much appreciated.

[razoraggie]

Follow your instincts.

It's a little better to be catious when it comes to your family. I'd rather be accused of being a over protective than joining a search party.

[txinvestigator]

Without getting into too much, we were able to help out, he even lived with us for a while, and I feel as though we turned the kid around. He went from sullen and no eye contact, to at least passably cheerful and look you right in the eye.

My wife and I talked about this.....step dad, lack of supervision.....she is possibly just uncomfortable with parental attention, and perhaps even a little envious of the close relationship of my daughter and I. We make it a point to interact with her friends, and we have sort of made our house the "block central" for her friends. Until this friend does something to warrant ex-communicated status, she will be welcomed in our home, and treated like we want our kid to be treated.

I believe it's a parents duty.

Kids will always test their limits and usually if you keep the lines of communication things will pretty much go smoothly if not exactly the way you want.

Excellent point. Thanks.

[txinvestigator]

Follow your instincts.

It's a little better to be catious when it comes to your family. I'd rather be accused of being a over protective than joining a search party.

Yes sir.

[phddan]

Trust your "spidey senses".

I think I wore mine out on my daughter and son.

Just wait till she starts dating.

[seamusTX]

We make it a point to interact with her friends, and we have sort of made our house the "block central" for her friends. Until this friend does something to warrant ex-communicated status, she will be welcomed in our home, and treated like we want our kid to be treated.

I believe it's a parents duty.

That's very generous and I think the right thing to do. Supervison by a responsible adult is the key.

My parents watched me like hawks. I resented it until I saw (years later) what happened to the kids who were allowed to run wild. Two kids who graduated from grade school with me did not live to finish high school -- gang activity in both cases.

I graduated from grade school in 1969. Things haven't improved much since then.

- Jim