Judas Asparagus

[Keith B]

I know we have a lot of bible scholars on the board, so thought you would enjoy this! I got it in email.

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A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child. Children's Bible in a Nutshell.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God
is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said,
'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but
they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and
Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the
Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because
they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as
he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,
but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but
they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous
than His brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange
for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights
every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These
include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh,
yeah, I just thought of one more: humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible
guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell
over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant
with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to
me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One
of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon
the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't
have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had
been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the
door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one
was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable
after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached
to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He
just washed his hands instead.

Any ways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return
is foretold in the book of Revolution.

[thankGod]

I think thats how I learnt it.

[Tactical_Texan_CHL]

Hmm. I always knew there was something wrong with asparagus! Now I know why!

[barres]

Thank you for the laugh. I will be using this as an intro to an upcoming Bible class at my church.

[The Annoyed Man]

That is funny.